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Snappy, wordy, funky sentences...

Okay so I've been revising for what feels like FOREVER. I am ready to stop, seriously, but I know you have to carve away the absolute crap that is first drafts in order to have a beautiful MS. But in this journey I have discovered that there is a very fine line between snappy and wordy. Shall I give a few examples of what I mean?

These sentences are taken randomly from SECOND SOUL -- feel free to lash me if anything is crazy. Here goes:

________________________________________________

Snappy:
  • Not even close.
  • He knew.
  • The door quaked.
Wordy:

  • It crashed shut with a loud bang, and I stumbled back, lost my footing, and fell to the floor.
  • The path itself was concrete, lacking all the grandeur and particularity of the other two paths, and I found myself searching for a way out of this lost land.

Basic (but could be tightened):

  • They rested there like birds in a nest, delicate and peaceful.
  • The final bolt hit in the center of the table.

________________________________________________

I find that all too often long sentences lose me about 2/3rds through, yet when well done they are so beautiful to read. Snappy sentences increase the tension, but they can also slow the flow. It is suchy a tricky thing. And I often notice that writers switch between the two without having basic sentences mixed in to keep the pace going. (You can't see me, but I'm raising my hand right now. )

So tell me, do you struggle with one or the other, both? Feel free to chime in or give advice on how to correct the SW syndrome.

M.B.

Comments

  1. Karen StrongOctober 27, 2010 at 8:47 PM

    I'm a notorious underwriter so writing concise sentences come easy for me. I have to work on sentence variety to make the work stronger. You're right, too much of one thing gets old.

    But I can never really work on it until I have a good working draft. I usually work on this during the last revision phase.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kenda TurnerOctober 28, 2010 at 5:17 PM

    I try to listen to the rhythm--so I read my work out loud at a point. Sometimes that helps :-) Good question!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Melissa WestOctober 28, 2010 at 5:37 PM

    Karen -- I add in variety at the last revision as well. It kills my creativity if I try too hard during 1st drafts.

    Kenda -- Great point re: reading out loud.

    ReplyDelete

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